Tottaly Worth It
by Steffindor
Summary: A different take on the Sasuke vs. Deidara fight, in a universe were logic doesn't just fly out the window every time Sasuke activates his Sharingan. Crack-fic.


The Uchiha pressed his back against the tree, his breath coming in labored gasps. He had been caught in his fight with the blond Akatsuki member for longer than he had anticipated and the strain was beginning to show on both combatants who glared at each other from across the clearing.

Deidara laughed, a mad cackle that faded into the (miraculously still standing) forest. "You're through Uchiha! You Chakra is all but drained now."

"It's more then enough to defeat you," Sasuke responded monotonously, "I'll ask you one more time; Where is Itachi Uchiha?"

The crazed blond only laughed harder at this before settling down to meet the younger Uchiha's cold stare. "You think I'll tell you, hm?" With that Deidara ripped of his shirt, revealing the fourth mouth embedded in his chest. "You won't be leaving here alive, anyways so what's the point?"

Before Sasuke's exhausted body could react to the sudden change of events, Deidara was already feeding the last of his clay to the salivating mouth. As his body began to fade his voice echoed once more across the landscape.

"Art… IS AN EXPLOSION!"

Sasuke fell to his knees, feeling the damp flesh of the snake kings throat beneath his palms.

He had done it.

Getting shakily to his feet he looked around, admiring his handy work. If he were anyone else he would have given him self a pat on the back, but he wasn't anyone else; he was an _Uchiha_.

He had people for that.

Making a note to speak to Karin later, the black haired Uchiha took in his current predicament. Despite his completely drained chakra and numerous burns, he had managed to summon, not just a snake but the _king_ himself. Follow that with the teleport jutsu he activated to send him self _into the beast itself (_hell, he didn't even know he _could do that_) …Well, suffice to say, you were looking at one smug son of a bitch.

How he had managed to pull it off was different matter and not one he felt like pondering to deeply just in case the cold hand of physics came back around for a second bitch slap.

Despite his aching limbs and lack of chakra he felt him self smirk.

_How's that for stamina, dobe?_

As if on cue, a stabbing pain erupted in his chest causing Sasuke to fall to his knees once again, clutching his pounding heart. Sweat beaded on his brow and his face screwed up in pain_._

_H-how? I should still…I can't be out of chakra. I'm-. _His thoughts were interrupted by a bout of coughing that sent flecks of blood across the inside of the beast. Struggling to raise his head, Sasuke looked around again.

_This can't…It can't end here. Not without- Hey, is it getting lighter?_

Fighting against the darkness threatening to engulf him, he narrowed his eyes and studied the lining of the snake kings throat. The change was slight but it was defiantly a lighter pink then before.

Sasuke felt his eyes widen in comprehension.

_Shit! The explosion! It's tearing Mamba apart!_

Now if he were anyone else, perhaps Sasuke would have taken these last few moments to reflect on his life. Apologize to those he's wronged in an attempt to feel at peace with himself in his last moments of life.

Or maybe huddle in a dark corner and kiss his sorry ass good-bye.

But he wasn't just anyone; he was Sasuke Uchiha: Boy Genius, and like any good genius finding him self in such a situation, he had a _plan_.

Oh yes ladies and gentlemen. The rules were about to get _screwed_.

Whoops, wrong anime

* * *

Just a few miles away from the doomed Uchiha, a white haired boy was crossing a grassy field, making his way towards the bank of the nearby lake. He balanced a large bowl of miso ramen in one hand as he snacked on the stick of dango in the other.

Yes, life was good for Suigetsu.

_No Karin to bitch at me, no Sasuke to boss me around, damn life is good. _He mused as he bit off the last of his sweet treat, tossing the now bare skewer to the side in favor of the noodley goodness in his other hand. _Although…I can't help but think I'm forgetting something…_

"Oh right!" Suigetsu shouted to no one in particular as he dug around in he belt. "I nearly forgot…" He looked around for a few second before he pulled out…"Chopsticks!" He grinned at the utensil. "Can't get my daily dose of ramen with out these babies."

With that the white haired shinobi began stuffing the noodles in his mouth at a rate even Naruto would find impressive, blissfully unaware of the unfortunate events befalling his team captain just a few miles away.

He didn't stay in dark long however. As he lifted the sticks to his mouth once more he felt a sudden burst of chakra ripple across the landscape.

"…Da' fuck was that?" Suigetsu asked, the forgotten noodles sliding down his chin as the boy looked around wildly for the source of the disturbance. Seeing nothing on both his sides he turned back to look across the lake before him…only to have the bowl of ramen nearly fall out of his stunned hands.

Where there had once been dense forest on the opposite bank, there was now a massive surge of light. The blast from the resulting shock wave tore apart the landscape, up rooting trees and ripping apart every thing in its path. The shark-toothed boy gaped in awe at the massive explosion, his jaw hanging low as he took in the site before him.

_It's...so beautiful…look at all that destruction…_

As the blast died down the ninja shook himself out of his stupor and smirked. "Man," He commented out loud, "I would hate to be the dumbass that got caught in that thing…"

His eyes widened suddenly, "Wait a tick…OH SHIT! SASUKE!"

Setting down his lunch, Suigetsu began fumbling with the scrolls attached to his belt before pulling out a rather small scroll with a black snake stamp along the side.

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit," Suigetsu fretted as he quickly unfurled the scroll. It was a credit to his ninja abilities that he didn't drop the scroll in his clumsy haste to avoid the bitching he was sure to receive should Karin's precious 'Sasuke-_kun_' parish over a poorly timed bowl of ramen.

Pouring a drop of the Uchiha's blood onto the seal, Suigetsu flashed through the necessary hand signs before slamming the palm of his hand into the center of the seal. Shielding his eyes against the resulting smoke cloud, the white haired ninja prayed to every deity he could think of for help. Not that he knew many, at any rate.

He just hoped Santa Clause knew how to deal with distraught fangirls.

When the smoke finally cleared, Suigetsu chanced a glance at the results of his handy work only turn around once again and empty the contents of his stomach over the wet ground.

Pulling him self together, the boy looked back at…the _thing_ the scroll had summoned. He wondered if perhaps Sasuke had confused the scroll with another, because the charred mess sitting just feet from him sure as hell didn't _look _like the infamous pretty boy Uchiha. Looking closer at the smoldering mass before him before him, Suigetsu was able to make out a faint pattern that looked like scales running along the body (for he was sure now that that's what it was) of the twisted mass before him.

It didn't take him long to make the connection between the charred heap and his MIA companion.

It took him even less time to figure out what this meant for _him_ and panicked accordingly.

"Crap, Crap, CRAP!" Suigetsu tugged his long hair in frustration. What was he supposed to do _now_? Not that he particularly cared for the little prick but he had been his only link to finding a sword of the Seven Swordsmen.

The frantic boy took deep, calming, breaths in an attempt to sooth his raging thoughts. That was a matter for later. If worst came to worst he could always track down the Uchiha's past teammates and get the answer out of them, after all.

Eyeing the mass again, Suigetsu wondered if there was any chance the boy had survived, but as he surveyed the damage once again he came to the inevitable conclusion that it would take nothing sort of a miracle to survive such devastation.

For cryin' out loud! Mamba's head was completely disintegrated for God's sake! And what was left of his body looked like it would be going the same way should the wind pick up.

Glancing around to make sure no one was watching, Suigetsu came to a snap decision. Briefly judging the distance between the corpse and the lake, the boy quickly flashed through a number of hands signs and stood back to watch as a wall of water crashed over the body, dragging the remains of the great snake king and the vengeful Uchiha down into its watery depths.

Consider the evidence disposed of.

He could weave a story for the other two later about his valiant efforts to prevent the reckless Uchiha form running after the Akasuki member only to watch from the side lines as their _great leader_ inevitably fell to his powerful foe.

At least the part about the body would be technically true. It _would _have disintegrated in that explosion and there was no way in hell Suigetsu was digging through the charred remains of a snake's stomach to look for their self-centered leader, Karin be damned.

It was then that he felt two familiar chakra signatures approaching from a distance and despite his complacent thoughts a surge of trepidation flared in his stomach. Looking away from the remaining member of Team Hebi and casting a glace over at his leaders watery grave, he looked back down to the half empty ramen bowl at his feet.

'_Totally worth it'_

* * *

When Sasuke finally came to he found him self lying on a hard stone floor looking up at the high stone ceiling of an underground cavern. Hues of red tinted the ceiling above him and he noticed that, despite being possibly miles underground, the air around him was strangely warm. It wasn't hard to find the source of the strange lights and heat.

After all, who could miss the countless pools of lava that stretched on endlessly into the depth of the cave?

Or maybe the geysers that erupted in every direction, spewing boiling hot magma hundreds of feet into the air?

After taking a good look at his surroundings the black haired boy concluded that the strange environment was most likely caused by the massive volcano off in the distance. The red hot magma currently spewing from its tip told the Uchiha that it was probably active.

"Well, well," An unsettlingly familiar voice droned from somewhere to his left, "Look who _finally_ decided to show up, yeah."

Standing up and straitening himself, Sasuke turned to come face to face with the Oh-so-familiar blond artist who had just been trying to kill him only moments before. Said Akatsuki member was currently wearing a satisfied smirk as the unfamiliar red haired boy seated next to him passed him a stack of bills.

His frustrated scowl only served to widen Deidara's grin as he pocketed the Ryo. "And _that,_ Sasori my man_,_ is why you should never doubt _true_ art."

* * *

**A/N: I've been sitting on this fic for almost two years now and figured I might as well post it. Just a bit of fun I decided to have with the outcome of the Sasuke and Deidara's fight. Really, the whole fight just spat in the face of logic, physics, _and even Kishimotos own cannon._**

**Or maybe I'm just bias because Deidara's awesome. **

**This is just a crack fic and certainly not meant to be taken seriously. Also, I know _now _that Suigetsu already had Zabuzas sword at the time of the fight, but when I wrote this I had skipped most of the Sasuke centric episodes out of shear annoyance (I _may_ have a _slight_ bias against Sasuke as well, but to be fair, he totally deserves it.). I decided not to change it anyways, because then I would have to rewrite portions of it or (_god forbid_) actually read the Sasuke centric chapters.**

**Seriously though, if you have any theories that might explain the fight's outcome please do share, because I got nothin'.**


End file.
